Here's my Friday night detailed in chronological style, a la Tucker Max/Bill Simmons.
4:30PM - I decide to meet my buddy John at the USAFA hockey game.
6:30PM - I notice that it is 30 degrees outside, I figure that there is no reason to wear a jacket since I'm only going to the game. A decision that plagues me the rest of the night.
7:10PM - I arrive at the hockey game and John is not there. I hang out with another buddy, Mike, who is a defenseman on the hockey team but not playing because he broke his thumb.
7:47PM - John and another buddy, JD, arrive at the game and we fuck around and heckle the opposing team, Bentley College.
8:15PM - JD gets off the phone with someone and announces that his friend from high school goes to CU-Boulder and is going to a party. John and I are a bit reticent and JD seals the deal by proudly stating there is a keg and the girl in question will let us sleep in her room.
8:50PM - After collecting neccessary shit from John and JD's rooms, we get ready to leave when another guy, Zach, calls wanting to tag along to Boulder. He says his roomate, Trey, is coming and JD tells him that he has no where for Zach or Trey to sleep. Zach says this is okay. I call Nick Klamerus and tell him I'm coming up and might see him.
9:25PM - We hit the road after I buy water and cigarettes, it begins to rain. I am not worried.
10:56PM - We arrive in the greater Boulder area, JD calls his friend who doesn't have a clue how to get to her room from the highway.
11:20PM - We figure shit out after driving around Boulder like idiots and eating tacos. We meet JD's friend, Betsy. She says the party is only a short walk away from her dorm. It is raining harder and the temperature is dropping rapidly. I am wearing khaki pants, a Bud Light t-shirt, and a long sleeve button down over it. I am not worried.
11:35PM - We walk 55 miles to the party which is in a small apartment resided in by a fine gentleman named Dirk. There are beer bongs that say "Thelma" and "Louise" on them. I see two kegs, I start to drink.
11:45PM - I have had two beers because it is very easy to drink flat horsepiss fast. The keg is outside, the temperature is still dropping, the rain is turning to sleet. I drink faster and start chain-smoking.
11:50PM - There are 13 guys and 4 girls at the party. The keg is flat and approaching empty. I smoke and drink some more when I notice it is snowing. I am still optimistic.
12:15AM - Not only is it snowing, but it is a very heavy wet snow. I am still optimistic.
12:18AM - "Dirk" announces everyone has to leave. Zach challenges him to a fight. We are all at a loss and begin to drink as much beer as we can.
12:40AM - We walk back to Betsy's room and her neighbor seems very excited about the prospect of a gangbang. Zach challenges him to a fight. I call Nick and he says he's going to sleep. Betsy says she has to get up in the morning so she is going to bed. She says we can stay out and party and come on in her room whenever we want. Betsy is cool as shit.
12:45AM - John is elected the driver as he has not drank. There is 4 inches of snow on the ground, it is still snowing. We are not afraid.
12:47AM - My car almost runs off the road for the first but not last time of the night.
1:10AM - We stumble upon a house with people all around throwing snow. We park and check it out. Zach challenges them to a fight. I am completely wet and there is snow in my cigarette pack.
1:12AM - There are girls sitting at a table giving tickets in exchange for money to enter the house. We inquire as to the purpose of this. They say it is a nacho party and they are raising money for domestic violence. I try not to make a joke about that. Trey sneaks in. JD and John pay, I make Zach pay for me. He challenges me to a fight and pays anyway.
1:17AM - They weren't joking, this is a very pristine and large sororiety house having a charitable nacho party. There is for real a nacho buffet. I refuse to believe this is happening and go to the bathroom where I see that I look like Kenny Rogers after a coke bender. My hair is fucked up, I'm wet from head to toe, and my eyes are twitching uncontrollably.
1:25AM - The group is worried about me and think I was slipped some drugs. I am not worried.
1:35AM - We decide to leave and I pee in a drawer in the bathroom, then I find $5 on the ground. There is a God.
1:37AM - A block down there is a building from the top of which people are sniping passersby with snowballs. I can't feel myself. Zach challenges them to a fight.
1:12AM - We make a valient, but futile effort to hit them with snowballs and they consider it a sign of respect. They invite us up.
1:20AM - We enter the room in the building where the party is at. The owner is obviously rich as there are several bedrooms, a kegerator, leather chairs and couches, a 50 plus inch plasma screen tv, a working fireplace, and a very nice pool table. The beer is dark and good. The group agrees it might by Newcastle. I am a happy boy.
2:14AM - The power goes out while I am peeing, I pretend to lose control and pee all over everything.
2:46AM - The keg is bordering on empty, Zach is falling asleep because he has quit drinking beer. JD is hitting on every female in the room, John bumbles a girl I tried to set him up with, Trey is eyeing everyone in the room suspiciously with his hand on his wallet. Someone makes the decision to go up on the roof and throw snowballs at people.
3:13AM - Every part of my body is numb, I decide that means I have an advantage in snowball throwing. I hit a few people in the face. I am kingshit.
3:20AM - Someone mentions something about Zach and Trey not having a place to sleep. Trey is confused. It has come out that Zach never mentioned this slightly important fact. He is mad. The concerns are assuaged with more beer.
3:30AM - All kinds of people are pissed off at us for throwing snowballs and they all have infected vaginas. We move downstairs to the porch to continue the fight. A black guy bums puffs off my last cigarette.
3:38AM - A car comes and it is decided by the 20 people outside to hit it. The fateful words "Is that a fucking cop?" are spoken by someone. A reply of "YEAH IT IS A FUCKING COP! AND IF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HIT MY WINDSHIELD AGAIN I'LL FUCKING ARREST YOU" is screamed at us. The power on the whole block goes out. A firetruck comes. We all scatter.
3:46AM - John, JD, and Zach are missing. Trey and I are trying to find them when a random whore wearing a short skirt walks by and asks us "Why wouldn't he sleep with me! Will you two walk me home? I don't want to get raped" Trey and I look at each other knowingly and agree to follow her.
3:50AM - It has become clear that the whore has no idea where she is or where she lives and that she is VERY pissed about not getting cock tonight. We pretend to beg off the adventure and she says "I'll do anything if you guys walk me home!" I bumble any chances of ass for me or Trey and chances of Trey sleeping someone by the famous line "I have a car, I'll give you a ride for a blowjob". She is upset by this and calls me a pervert.
3:57AM - We miraculously find her house, Trey has negotiated terms for sleeping on her couch. At the last second, she runs off. I yell at her "I WANNA MAKE A MESS IN YOUR MOUTH!" The shit is done.
4:05AM - We walk back to the car using a dubious shortcut that Trey suggested. I scoffed but it actually paid off.
4:20AM - We arrive at Betsy's dorm and try to figure out the sleeping situation. Zach and Trey decide to sleep in the car. We don't want them to die. John says he's sober and awake enough to drive the 90 miles back to Colorado Springs. We say fuck it and go.
4:45AM - The first of many slush/snow related swerves occurs. We are not afraid.
5:20AM - John has to stop at a gas station because he is about to hit a wall. I pee in the sink and on the floor of the bathroom.
5:47AM - A truck slows quickly in front of us, John taps the brakes and we do several 180s in different directions. We are all now solidly awake.
6:12AM - We get back at USAFA and people are getting up to go to their various activities. I decide I'm okay to drive home.
6:25AM - I almost run off the road and my heart stops.
6:30AM - I get home, say a few prayers, and go inside my house. My mom is confused, I tell her its okay because I brought the paper in. She smartly doesn't ask.
6:35AM - I pee, take out my contacts, strip down and get into as many warm clothes as I could find. I think my core temperature has dropped below 90 degrees. I slip into a deep sleep and have vivid dreams of direspecting whores, being cold, and peeing on things.
Easily one of the most bizarre and random nights ever. I'm still fucking cold from that night. I haven't worn less than sweatshirts, long pants, and socks inside the house since then. I hate/love Boulder.