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Slim Jacobs

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All things go [05 Jun 2007|11:02pm]
Summer is here children. This will prove to be the greatest summer ever. Here is why:

-I just bought an old school Nintendo with several games, a Super Nintendo also with several games, and I was given a Nintendo 64 with several games by a waitress at work. I am knee deep in 90's nostalgia and it fucking rules.

-I'm not taking summer classes. I'm several credits ahead of schedule for graduation and I don't need to deal with extra classes like I did last year. A great relief this has been.

-My job is great. I wait tables at a laid-back beach bar in Colorado owned by a guy who is red faced and double fisting margaritas by 8PM every night. I only work a few days a week and it is fantastic.

-I may very well be in love. Julie is such an amazing person. She's different from anyone I've ever been with. She challenges me but also understands me and we get along really well. Everything I do seems to impress her and I'm hoping I can ride that train as long as possible because there's no telling when she'll come to the realization that I'm not really that impressive.

-I have enough free time to finally do the things I've been saying I'd do more. I'm starting to golf more (thanks to $3 ball buckets at USAFA) shoot more (thanks to a free shooting range in the Springs) and read more (thanks to my ever-increasing stack of books and Julie's prodding).

Honestly, this is the happiest I have been in a very very long time.
beautiful friend   (07)   swim to the moon

Well I used to be disgusted, but now I try to be amused [15 May 2007|08:02pm]
The last episode of Gilmore Girls ever was on tonight. THE LAST EPISODE EVER. My favorite show of all time is over and now it is time to drink away the pain. I'm seriously really sad.












However, my sadness is tempered quite a bit by the fact that Julie and I are now official!
beautiful friend   (02)   swim to the moon

Hey guys! It's me, Tina! [27 Apr 2007|09:58pm]
Oh my God, I'm so sorry I'm late to work. It's a long drive from Pueblo you know? Don't you know I work two jobs? I'm better than you because of that. Hey, even though I know I came to work half an hour late I really need to call my fiancee. My fiancee needs me to call him. You all know my fiancee, Dan, right? My fiancee and I are getting married pretty soon. I think my fiancee are going to just throw an informal get-together after we get back from the courthouse. My fiancee really likes my dress I picked out. Okay you guys I'm going to call my fiancee now, be back soon!

Okay you guys I think I need to get a crown replaced on one of my molars but I can't get the novocain because I'm pregnant. What? So what if I smoke? Low birth weight my ass. Little Tina Jr. will be fine, I've been smoking for 30 years and I smoked when I was pregnant with my son. You've met my son the dishwasher right? No he's not retarded! He just happens to look slightly hobbit-ish. So you can help my lift this box right? It's bad for the baby for me to be lifting things...

Hey! You just took that guy's order wrong. You didn't ask him to float some extra tequila on his margarita. He didn't order a margarita!? WHY THE FUCK NOT!?!? Don't you understand the concept of upselling? Listen to me you 20 year old nothing, I have been tending to various bars and waiting tables for years and years and you don't know shit about this. YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME!? I'M 40 FUCKING YEARS OLD!

So you guys are going somewhere after work? No? Okay that's cool, I gotta go home to my fiancee and make my fiancee dinner and then fuck my fiancee with a paper bag over my head anyway. Night!
beautiful friend   (011)   swim to the moon

I saw where she was and went where she wasn't [23 Apr 2007|01:11pm]
I gots a new job. I'm waiting tables again at a fake beach bar called Barracuda Bob's. It's a pretty chill place, real small and 90% neighborhood locals. The owner's in a perpetual state of about 2 and a half sheets to the wind and just sort of wings it whenever the place gets busy. He can barely tie his shoes and has only a fraction of an idea of what is going on with the various details of the daily bar activities. I'd forgotten how lucrative waiting was and I'm definitely glad I have a semi-normal college kid job.

Dad left for Iraq this morning. He'll be gone a year but in a relatively safe position and not flying around the helicopter trying to kill terrorists. Hopefully, he'll be able to get some leave in the summer and we can meet him in Germany and partake in the local custom of getting violently drunk, breaking things, and making war on smaller lesser countries.

Holla.
beautiful friend   (03)   swim to the moon

I LIKE like Winnie Cooper [25 Mar 2007|12:41am]
We all have our occasional free rides through the green pastures...green pastures being straight cash in my case. But, like all our other fruitful endeavors, these free rides must also end.

Fortunately for me, I foresaw my end as soon as I got on the train and prepared accordingly, taking in all the great stories, easy money, free meals, and most importantly; the ability to make myself seem like a caring and charitable person in the eyes of random cute girls.

Thursday was my last day being the "Transportation Liaison" to my autistic protege. At the end of my work day his mom came home and told me that she no longer required my services and the kid no longer really needed to be taken around town all the time and they'd let his sister watch him and not pay her unnecessary amounts of money as they had with me. I actually figured my demise would stem from the discovery of the fact that 80% of our "outings" involved me taking him along with me to run errands and/or go to my house to watch baseball games, or that I would slip up and yell at him inappropriately, or that they would notice that all their leftovers magically disappeared when I showed up. I never really thought I would become obsolete. Fortunately I got two weeks extra pay as a severance package of sorts and I now have a Spring Break with 0 responsibilities.

It occurred to me for a brief couple minutes that though my Spring Break would be one free from the hassles of semi-adulthood, it would also come with a pretty steady schedule of boredom. Then I realized that I bought the entire series of "The Wonder Years" a little over a year ago on a whim in the midst of The Great Debilitating Ebay Binge of 2005. Even though I bought it from some shady British guy who overcharged on shipping, I only watched a couple episodes. Somehow it came to mind though and now I'm totally in the throws of a full-on Wonder Years nostalgia trip. This was probably my favorite show when I was 11 and it started to come on Nick at Nite and watching it again makes me realize that I was a fucking sweet 11 year old because this show is truly awesome and though it's set in the late 60s, it's totally timeless and is the perfect capturing of that white bread suburban childhood. That, and Winnie Cooper is totally hot...in the later episodes I mean, you know, when she wasn't jailbait.
beautiful friend   (03)   swim to the moon

In his mouth it tasted just like buttermilk... [10 Mar 2007|10:31am]
Yesterday I ran into a complication in the world of dating that I had previously not encountered.

"Oh damn, I can't go out tonight sorry. I can't get a babysitter. How about next Friday?"
beautiful friend   (011)   swim to the moon

Are you here for the gangbang? [01 Feb 2007|06:01pm]
It is now February and it is 10 degrees and snowing outside. I honestly do not remember it being this bad last winter. Ever since the blizzard in mid-December, it has snowed AT LEAST once a week.

Points of Interest:

-As you all know I went to Florida and had a grand old time. I saw many of you and did most everything I wanted/needed to do. After coming back, I realized though how glad I am that I left. Don't get me wrong, I love everybody I took the time to see and I do miss certain aspects of Florida. I think I just need to move around occasionally to avoid complacency. I'm almost positive if I stayed in Florida I would not have moved forward in anything I need to do.

-Learning to snowboard. I've been skiing for a few years and never tried snowboarding because I never wanted to spend a whole day learning. A few weeks ago though, one of the USAFA cadets we sponsor taught me the basics. Let me say this; it is fucking hard. To steal a quote from Maddox, it's hard like nipples on a blind lesbian in a fish market. The most basic concepts are so frustrating that you want to quit immediately because you fall directly on your ass or face every time you fall and it hurts like a motherfucker.

-New semester of school. I hate college. I've had enough college "atmosphere" and partying to realize that it too gets boring after awhile. College is making me hate 80% my peers. If I didn't have to get a degree to become an Officer, I would quit immediately. Two and a half more years and I'll be done though, two and a half more years...

-Not doing ROTC anymore. Instead, I'm applying to Marine Corps Officer Candidate School when I can qualify. I talked to a Gunnery Sergeant that works in the Officer Selection Station nearby and he told me to lose a little more weight to show motivation and dedication and they'll take it from there. They'll help me with all the stuff required to get my application competitive and send it in and hopefully I'll be able to go to OCS in Quantico summer of '08.

-I'm totally obsessed with 'The Office'. I've been watching the new season and I recently bought last season. Damn, its such a fantastic show.

One last thing:

I hate Peyton Manning. I really really really hate Peyton Manning. His waterhead retard brother, Eli, too.
beautiful friend   (02)   swim to the moon

Hold on Shirley, we're not there yet... [25 Dec 2006|10:37pm]
So we in the Greater Colorado Springs area have been fucked by snow the last week. It started Wednesday and left a legitimate 2 feet everywhere and drifts in places of 4 to 5 feet. I've got a great picture of me literally up to my armpits in snow in my driveway. It was fucking insane. The roads in the neighborhoods are still fairly dodgy and everything is just now getting back to normal.

Christmas today! Happy times for everyone. I got an ipod and an Avs jersey so I am a very happy boy indeed. We had dinner at my uncle's house and my great grandma was there. She is fucking awesome, she used to hustle pool and she talks shit about the Broncos constantly. Since she's old as hell she's prone to not give a damn about what she says so she blurted a few gems out. When my grandma couldn't open something, she called her a "goddamn retard". The best of all however was during the Jets-Dolphins game when she said "We wouldn't have football if there weren't any coloreds". After we all stopped laughing, my aunt's mom said "well she has a good point..." I love my family.

I'm going to learn to snowboard finally on Wednesday. We're all heading to the slopes and my sister's boyfriend is going and offered to teach us. Maybe now I can finally be cool like all the other kids.

Friday son. That's when the shit begins to go down.
beautiful friend   (02)   swim to the moon

[08 Nov 2006|04:36pm]
On the real though, bitches be runnin wild.
beautiful friend   (02)   swim to the moon

You're motherfucking uncoordinated [30 Oct 2006|02:30pm]
I went hunting this weekend. Fueled by Copenhagen and cheap apricot brandy, my dad and I went off into the wilderness in search of large buck deer. We had originally intended on leaving Thursday but instead, the biggest blizzard in 7 years dumped 2 feet of snow in Colorado Springs. So, we left on Friday and discovered that the original spot we scouted out in September was covered with over 3 feet of snow and there was no deer to be had. So we found an RV park to park the tent trailer we rented and found a new location to hunt. It was a hike up several hills to get to it so we figured there wouldn't be too many people there as most hunters are lazy fucks. On Saturday we sat in the area waiting for deer all day. Not a damn living creature came within sight. I was lucky to have brought a bunch of books.

I read the rest of Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying" during that time. It was a funny tragedy, like the way people laugh when old people fall down. It's all about this family in Mississippi who has to take their dead mother/wife to be buried in Jefferson, which is like 40 miles away. They all go, but they only go for their own reasons. The father wants to go to get a new set of teeth and a wife, the daughter is going to get a quickie back-alley abortion, one son is functionally retarded and thinks his mother is a fish, one is an illigitamate kid and hates his half siblings. So many ridiculous things happen, like one kid breaks his leg so they pour cement around it to make it okay and it fucks him up. The daughter tries to get an abortion but the doctor isn't in and his assistant gives her random medicine and then fucks her. Their wagon fucks up in a river and the mother's coffin floats away. It takes them like 10 days to get there and the body smells so people in town are yelling at them and buzzards follow them. One kid gets pissed it takes so long so he tries to set everything on fire to be "respectful" and ends up in an insane asylum. It's crazy as shit.

So anyway, after the shitty day of hunting we ate various things and got a little drunk on brandy and my dad told stories that had no end...or middle. We came back yesterday after scouting out the area a little more in the morning. Imagine my surprise to find a package waiting for me with my name in "spooky" halloween lettering and no return address. I opened it and I found out that apparently someone hates me. SOMEONE SENT ME MOTHERFUCKING PEEPS. It was obviously a message as everyone should know that I really fucking hate peeps. It was like in the Godfather when Solazzo sent Don Vito the fish, as if to say "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes". I haven't figured out the message yet, nor who sent it, but I will exact revenge. Oh yes, I will.
beautiful friend   (08)   swim to the moon

I'm running speed trials [22 Oct 2006|06:48pm]
Here's my Friday night detailed in chronological style, a la Tucker Max/Bill Simmons.


4:30PM - I decide to meet my buddy John at the USAFA hockey game.

6:30PM - I notice that it is 30 degrees outside, I figure that there is no reason to wear a jacket since I'm only going to the game. A decision that plagues me the rest of the night.

7:10PM - I arrive at the hockey game and John is not there. I hang out with another buddy, Mike, who is a defenseman on the hockey team but not playing because he broke his thumb.

7:47PM - John and another buddy, JD, arrive at the game and we fuck around and heckle the opposing team, Bentley College.

8:15PM - JD gets off the phone with someone and announces that his friend from high school goes to CU-Boulder and is going to a party. John and I are a bit reticent and JD seals the deal by proudly stating there is a keg and the girl in question will let us sleep in her room.

8:50PM - After collecting neccessary shit from John and JD's rooms, we get ready to leave when another guy, Zach, calls wanting to tag along to Boulder. He says his roomate, Trey, is coming and JD tells him that he has no where for Zach or Trey to sleep. Zach says this is okay. I call Nick Klamerus and tell him I'm coming up and might see him.

9:25PM - We hit the road after I buy water and cigarettes, it begins to rain. I am not worried.

10:56PM - We arrive in the greater Boulder area, JD calls his friend who doesn't have a clue how to get to her room from the highway.

11:20PM - We figure shit out after driving around Boulder like idiots and eating tacos. We meet JD's friend, Betsy. She says the party is only a short walk away from her dorm. It is raining harder and the temperature is dropping rapidly. I am wearing khaki pants, a Bud Light t-shirt, and a long sleeve button down over it. I am not worried.

11:35PM - We walk 55 miles to the party which is in a small apartment resided in by a fine gentleman named Dirk. There are beer bongs that say "Thelma" and "Louise" on them. I see two kegs, I start to drink.

11:45PM - I have had two beers because it is very easy to drink flat horsepiss fast. The keg is outside, the temperature is still dropping, the rain is turning to sleet. I drink faster and start chain-smoking.

11:50PM - There are 13 guys and 4 girls at the party. The keg is flat and approaching empty. I smoke and drink some more when I notice it is snowing. I am still optimistic.

12:15AM - Not only is it snowing, but it is a very heavy wet snow. I am still optimistic.

12:18AM - "Dirk" announces everyone has to leave. Zach challenges him to a fight. We are all at a loss and begin to drink as much beer as we can.

12:40AM - We walk back to Betsy's room and her neighbor seems very excited about the prospect of a gangbang. Zach challenges him to a fight. I call Nick and he says he's going to sleep. Betsy says she has to get up in the morning so she is going to bed. She says we can stay out and party and come on in her room whenever we want. Betsy is cool as shit.

12:45AM - John is elected the driver as he has not drank. There is 4 inches of snow on the ground, it is still snowing. We are not afraid.

12:47AM - My car almost runs off the road for the first but not last time of the night.

1:10AM - We stumble upon a house with people all around throwing snow. We park and check it out. Zach challenges them to a fight. I am completely wet and there is snow in my cigarette pack.

1:12AM - There are girls sitting at a table giving tickets in exchange for money to enter the house. We inquire as to the purpose of this. They say it is a nacho party and they are raising money for domestic violence. I try not to make a joke about that. Trey sneaks in. JD and John pay, I make Zach pay for me. He challenges me to a fight and pays anyway.

1:17AM - They weren't joking, this is a very pristine and large sororiety house having a charitable nacho party. There is for real a nacho buffet. I refuse to believe this is happening and go to the bathroom where I see that I look like Kenny Rogers after a coke bender. My hair is fucked up, I'm wet from head to toe, and my eyes are twitching uncontrollably.

1:25AM - The group is worried about me and think I was slipped some drugs. I am not worried.

1:35AM - We decide to leave and I pee in a drawer in the bathroom, then I find $5 on the ground. There is a God.

1:37AM - A block down there is a building from the top of which people are sniping passersby with snowballs. I can't feel myself. Zach challenges them to a fight.

1:12AM - We make a valient, but futile effort to hit them with snowballs and they consider it a sign of respect. They invite us up.

1:20AM - We enter the room in the building where the party is at. The owner is obviously rich as there are several bedrooms, a kegerator, leather chairs and couches, a 50 plus inch plasma screen tv, a working fireplace, and a very nice pool table. The beer is dark and good. The group agrees it might by Newcastle. I am a happy boy.

2:14AM - The power goes out while I am peeing, I pretend to lose control and pee all over everything.

2:46AM - The keg is bordering on empty, Zach is falling asleep because he has quit drinking beer. JD is hitting on every female in the room, John bumbles a girl I tried to set him up with, Trey is eyeing everyone in the room suspiciously with his hand on his wallet. Someone makes the decision to go up on the roof and throw snowballs at people.

3:13AM - Every part of my body is numb, I decide that means I have an advantage in snowball throwing. I hit a few people in the face. I am kingshit.

3:20AM - Someone mentions something about Zach and Trey not having a place to sleep. Trey is confused. It has come out that Zach never mentioned this slightly important fact. He is mad. The concerns are assuaged with more beer.

3:30AM - All kinds of people are pissed off at us for throwing snowballs and they all have infected vaginas. We move downstairs to the porch to continue the fight. A black guy bums puffs off my last cigarette.

3:38AM - A car comes and it is decided by the 20 people outside to hit it. The fateful words "Is that a fucking cop?" are spoken by someone. A reply of "YEAH IT IS A FUCKING COP! AND IF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HIT MY WINDSHIELD AGAIN I'LL FUCKING ARREST YOU" is screamed at us. The power on the whole block goes out. A firetruck comes. We all scatter.

3:46AM - John, JD, and Zach are missing. Trey and I are trying to find them when a random whore wearing a short skirt walks by and asks us "Why wouldn't he sleep with me! Will you two walk me home? I don't want to get raped" Trey and I look at each other knowingly and agree to follow her.

3:50AM - It has become clear that the whore has no idea where she is or where she lives and that she is VERY pissed about not getting cock tonight. We pretend to beg off the adventure and she says "I'll do anything if you guys walk me home!" I bumble any chances of ass for me or Trey and chances of Trey sleeping someone by the famous line "I have a car, I'll give you a ride for a blowjob". She is upset by this and calls me a pervert.

3:57AM - We miraculously find her house, Trey has negotiated terms for sleeping on her couch. At the last second, she runs off. I yell at her "I WANNA MAKE A MESS IN YOUR MOUTH!" The shit is done.

4:05AM - We walk back to the car using a dubious shortcut that Trey suggested. I scoffed but it actually paid off.

4:20AM - We arrive at Betsy's dorm and try to figure out the sleeping situation. Zach and Trey decide to sleep in the car. We don't want them to die. John says he's sober and awake enough to drive the 90 miles back to Colorado Springs. We say fuck it and go.

4:45AM - The first of many slush/snow related swerves occurs. We are not afraid.

5:20AM - John has to stop at a gas station because he is about to hit a wall. I pee in the sink and on the floor of the bathroom.

5:47AM - A truck slows quickly in front of us, John taps the brakes and we do several 180s in different directions. We are all now solidly awake.

6:12AM - We get back at USAFA and people are getting up to go to their various activities. I decide I'm okay to drive home.

6:25AM - I almost run off the road and my heart stops.

6:30AM - I get home, say a few prayers, and go inside my house. My mom is confused, I tell her its okay because I brought the paper in. She smartly doesn't ask.

6:35AM - I pee, take out my contacts, strip down and get into as many warm clothes as I could find. I think my core temperature has dropped below 90 degrees. I slip into a deep sleep and have vivid dreams of direspecting whores, being cold, and peeing on things.



Easily one of the most bizarre and random nights ever. I'm still fucking cold from that night. I haven't worn less than sweatshirts, long pants, and socks inside the house since then. I hate/love Boulder.
beautiful friend   (04)   swim to the moon

Your utility would be maximized if you got up on deez nuts [18 Oct 2006|07:37pm]
Rather than bitch about people and things that piss me off, I actually have legitimate updates and ponderings that may or may not be worth writing.

-It's playoff baseball time. For the first time since 1990, the Braves are not in the playoffs. While that's depressing in itself, it's even more painful because I feel a superstitious guilt for causing their shortcomings in my own mind. You see, I was obsessed with sports in general, Braves baseball in particular as a kid. During the 1996 playoffs, I had my appendix out and watched Game 5 of the NLCS in a hospital bed. The Braves were down 3 games to 1 and they rallied the next 3 games to win the pennant. I thought it was because I was sick that they played better. They won the first 2 games of the World Series and dropped the next 4, losing to the hated yankees. They started losing as soon as I got out of the hospital. I thought it was all my fault and cried for days after the World Series. Once I moved, I got to thinking that sports were a waste of time and I arrogantly railed against all sports and "jocks" because I was a stupid douchebag trying to impress certain people. Plus it was easier to ignore sports as they don't give a shit about American sports in England. Now that I've come back to realizing why I loved sports so much as a kid, I got obsessed with the Braves again. This was the first full season that I watched my team since 2000 and two remarkable things happened; They missed the playoffs, and they announced the cancellation of the Braves on TBS after the 2007 season to make room for 3 hour blocks of Everybody Gays Raymond. I'm positive both these things were to punish me for turning my back on the team for 4 and a half years.

-It snowed almost a foot last night and the snow was perfect this morning for a snowman. I've been wanting to do this since I moved back, but the snow was never right. This time it was perfect and I succesfully made a snowman recieving oral pleasure from a snowwhore. It was perfect, banana cock, sisters bra, fake hair from mystery plant, oakleys and fishing hat, and the coup de grace; a perfectly shaped branch resting softly on the top of snowwhore's head. Too perfect. I'll put up pictures on my picture site soon.

-Next Wednesday or Thursday, my dad and I are going hunting. I recently bought a brand new Remington 30-06 Bolt Action Rifle from Wal-Mart whom I've named "Bertha". We've got buck deer licenses next week and either sex elk licenses for November. We have licenses to kill 4 gigantic animals between us and if I don't kill something, I will be virtually inconsolable. Disgusting and morbid thirst for blood or sadistic male ego trip you say? Not at all. It's really hard to explain how I feel about all this, but the short and skinny of it is that in a time when everything in life is easily accessible, convenient and pre-packaged, you sometimes need to go out and work for something that is neccessary to live.

-There's an 80% chance that I will be visiting Florida for a week or two in December/January. I'm almost positive I will buy the tickets as soon as I come back from the mountains. I miss Ft. Walton. I miss the ubiquity of white trash, the water, black point, scamming beer from Food Max, Best Burger milkshakes. Shit, I'll even take a little heat right now to get out of 20 degree weather.
beautiful friend   (06)   swim to the moon

Ya'll elected me to keep it so fresh for ya [27 Sep 2006|01:10pm]
As of late I haven't run into anything specific that makes me hate the world and everyone in it as is so characteristic of me from time to time. It's mostly a general misanthropy that has numbed me quite a bit and kept me from exploding in any ridiculous rages based on nothing.

That all ended today.

I've broken from my hate funk and learned something new to hate on.

The Irish. Or, more specifically, people who have some bit of Irish ancestory but no real immediate connections to anything near that damn island.

In one of my classes there is a guy that has two tattoos that piqued my interest; one is of a shamrock with various acoutrements around it. The other is an American and Irish flag crossed on each other. Doubting that he was actually Irish, I asked him about it.

Me: Hey, neat tattoos, are you Irish?
FauxIrishFag: Yeah man.
Me: Really? You don't have an accent...
FIF: Well, I'm not from Ireland.
Me: Oh? So are your parents from Ireland?
FIF: No.
Me: Do you have any immediate family in or from Ireland?
FIF: No.
Me: So how are you Irish?
FIF: Well, my great-great-grandparents came from Ireland.
Me: Oh...

I had to walk away so I wouldn't slap him.

This is becoming more and more typical in our society. It's the same way with Italians too. I don't understand this shit. Its one thing to have pride in your nationality or whatever, but ONLY IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY OF THAT NATIONALITY. These motherfuckers are Americans with some ancient relatives that have SOME sort of tie to Ireland or Italy or whatever, yet they tattoo shamrocks and shit on themselves and insist on only drinking Irish Car Bombs in bars and are covered head to toe with Guinness and Notre Dame apparel. That's another fucking thing that pisses me off. Notre Dame fans fucking suck. %90 of Notre Dame fans never went to the school, don't know anyone that did, aren't from anywhere near it and probably couldn't find South Bend, IN on a fucking map. They just saw "Rudy" once or think that having Irish ancestory means you have to root for a Catholic school with a French name and and an erroneously named mascot.

These are the same guys that get upset with people on St. Patrick's Day (who was fucking French by the way) for wearing green and shit but not being Irish. These are the same guys who attribute any inappropriate behavior incurred due to excessive drinking to "hey, I'm Irish!" In fact, that's exactly what Ted Kennedy said after he drunkenly ran his car into a lake and killed a girl at Chappaquiddick. True story...

Here's a lesson to everyone. Just because you have red hair, a last name that begins with "Mc" or "O'" a drinking problem, and a pasty white ass, you aren't qualified to tell everyone your Irish. Shit, some of my relatives came from Belfast...IN 18 FUCKING 30! Some more came from Sweden and Wales. I think now I'm going to start telling everyone I'm Swedish and Welsh. I'll paint Swedish fish on my body and only eat Leeks and shit and tell everyone else they suck for not being Swedish and Welsh.


Holla at my nuts son.
beautiful friend   (014)   swim to the moon

My My My My Slow Descent... [31 Aug 2006|10:08pm]
Interesting goings on in the life of Mista Jacob:

-Started school last week. Only 4 classes this semester.

Intro to Chem
Law and Econ
Intermediate Micro Econ
Pre-Calc

Thinking of doing a math minor with my econ major because in case I ever want to go to grad school I need a shit load of math. Math has been unkind to me in the past but I'm putting alot into my theory that the reason is because every math class I've ever had has been filled with my dumbass friends. That and I never studied. Also, my chem class is comprised of 90% hot freshman nursing majors. I am a very happy boy indeed.

-Saw "Beerfest" the other day. It was so awesomely stupid and retarded and fantastic. It was "Super Troopers" with lots and lots of beer and lots and lots of titties. It makes you want a beer so bad it nearly hurts.

-Took my autistic protege to get a haircut. I needed one as well so we went to my barber who is this old Korean lady named Anna. Arman was upset we didn't go to his barber so he moved around a lot, told Anna he would "probably stab her with scissors" and fucked with all her shit while I was getting mine done. She gives me awesome haircuts and knows me by name now so I gave her a $7 tip on $16 worth of haircuts for her trouble.

-Tomorrow the Dad and I are heading out to northwest Colorado to camp/scout out the areas we were given to hunt in when the seasons start. I'm pretty damn stoked about getting dirty and eating things what has been cooked over fire that I made and other decidedly manly things.
beautiful friend   (04)   swim to the moon

I got myself a 40 and got myself a shorty... [28 Aug 2006|08:45pm]
I dare any one of you to look back on LJ entries from anytime you were about 16 or 17. It will totally bring you down and make you want to assault innocent bystanders. Rather than go to my first two classes, I played video games, drank beer, and looked at old LJ entries. I don't know what exactly compelled me to do it (my money's on the surplus Foster's I've been trying to eradicate) but I looked over those old entries and I noticed a theme.

I recount the various boring and usually stupid activities of the day going out of my way to sound cheery and like a little fucking kid and then in the comments section.

The Jennies or Scarlet (remember this was before we all hated her) say something encouraging or propose future plans and then Frank makes fun of them.

Then Chris enters and calls me or something I have shown interest in a pud/gay/homo/ass pirate and Lindsey concurs, which usually leads to Chris calling her a pud/gay/homo/ass pirate.

Then Shelli writes a nonsensical sound such as *barf* or *arghh*.


Unfortunately there was a time in all our lives where we simply sucked. Some definitely have longer periods of suckage than others, but we all have them, even me. Seriously though, go back and look at them and bring a little humility into your lives.
beautiful friend   (015)   swim to the moon

Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dolla dolla bill ya'll [20 Aug 2006|04:11pm]
Now children, it only occurs once in awhile that you find some comedic gold on the internet that keeps you attached to the computer by a combination of amusement, shock, disbelief, and usually inebriation. This happened to me when I first discovered Maddox, Tucker Max, Drunkasaurus Rex, and the Phat Phree. I now must introduce you all who remain unfamiliar, to Craigslist.com

Craigslist.com is like an online classifieds. It has everything from jobs, to things for sale, to personals. It also has two very distinct and very awesome sections.

Casual Encounters and Rants and Raves.

Casual Encounters is just like it sounds, people post looking to "get down" in various interpretations of the phrase. Rather than go into detail about what exactly people post, I will simply quote a few of my favorites from the last few days.

"No talkie, just some head"
"I want you to stick a finger up my ass"
"Who wants to nut and split?"
"boobs, boobs, and more boobs"
"hungry cocksucker needs to be fed"
"chocolate 4 your diet"

I can't be sure how many success stories arise from this medium of meeting potential mates but I have a feeling several bags of doritoes, some mike's hard lemonade, and countless hours of watching Babylon 5 reruns at the same time as a World of Warcraft battle led up to the creation of most of these posts.

Rants and Raves is a little bit different, but it is also just like it sounds. People simply talk about what pisses them off or what makes them happy. Again, it would be too hard to go into detail about the MO of this board, but here are a few gems that are fairly indicitave of most postings.

"The black community is too lazy and immoral"
"Blow jobs"
"Why blacks?"
"What is a Dirty Sanchez?"
"Send all the NeoCons to fight the racist war they started"
"I love the cock"
"Best blow jobs by race"
"Ignorant blacks in the ghetto"
"Why are colo springs girls all dumb sluts?"
"Blacks don't have any smarts"
"Fuck those beaners"

And my personal favorite,
"Why blacks smell bad"

These are all just titles of posts. They then proceed to degenerate as they go into detail about their position. I wish to God I was exagerrating or embellishing, but these are all direct quotes.

There is a craigslist for every big city in America and regional ones around smaller cities and it also goes international. These are all just from Co Springs. If you value your sense of humor and want to assault your boredom with the tire iron of tastelessness, visit your local craigslist and embrace the filth.
swim to the moon

Meet Blaine [28 Jul 2006|06:33pm]
Hi everyone, my name is Blaine and I am in college. I love Phish and the Dave Matthews Band! I'm majoring in liberal arts because it allows me to ignore real classes and still get a degree so I can focus on important things like activism, the environment, and activism.

Now listen people, the US is a great big evil country. Don't you realize it? I mean look at all the poor people. I saw a video clip of like poor people in the South Bronx and shit and they were all poor. They went inside their homes and stuff and they only had a small 13 inch TV that wasn't even in color! It's obvious that capitalism has left these people behind. I mean, in socialist countries like India and North Korea, you don't see that kind of poverty!

Holy shit that reminds me, these poor people have to drive these old cars that suck and stuff and they're like bad for the environment. Al Gore told me so. He also told me that if we drill in ANWR we'll kill off like a million caribou and destroy Alaska! I mean even if we drill in the proposed 1% of the whole Reserve, it'll probably kill caribou that I'm sure are still there even though most of this area is nearly uninhabitable. The greenhouse effect is bad and shit, I think it'll be global warming or another ice age or something. Al Gore told me so. It's gotta be us humans' fault too, the earth has never gone through climate changes before!

Oh man and the animals are dying and stuff. Listen people, global warming will kill fuzzy things. I like cows, they are cute. I never eat meat because its terrorism on animals! KFC is creating a new holocaust. That's right, chickens dying are the same as Jews. You people that eat animals are wrong because its bad. I don't care if humans were naturally bred to eat meat, you're a stupid buttface. What? No, I swear these aren't leather sandals. I think. Listen though seriously, vegetarianism is awesome and healthy. There are no fat vegetarians I swear!

I hate Bush. This band I saw last week told me I should. He's evil and is trying to get like oil and shit from Iraq. That's bad. It's pretty obvious the best way to get cheap oil from a country is to bring war to it. Bush is the real terrorist! LOLLZ!! War never solved anything. Last week I told this goofy army man I saw that he was a baby-killer and he called me a pussy. HAH! What a stupid head. I know he's bad because I heard soldiers do nothing but rape the townsfolk, set fire to shit, and kill whoever they want. That's bad. They don't ever build schools and hospitals and bridges and establish infrastructure and build countries back to better than they were before. I mean look how bad Japan has been since WWII.

Basically I'm a very open-minded person. I look at things from a new perspective and I don't let anyone change my mind. That's how open-minded I am. I'm helping the world by wearing hemp clothing and driving my hybrid car. My hybrid car is so awesome, my asshole dad bought it for me when I told him I wasn't gay (that night with Paul doesn't count). He should have too, he's done nothing for me except pay my $30,000 tuition so I could come to my school and learn what I have to do to so I don't feel guilty for being a white, upper-class male.

I have to go though, I have a rally to go to. I can't really remember what it was for, but either way I'm sure we'll make a difference. One hemp bracelet at a time.
beautiful friend   (07)   swim to the moon

[27 Jul 2006|06:12pm]
Fuck it dude, I'm getting drunk.
beautiful friend   (04)   swim to the moon

Let my guitar playing friend do my request [08 Jul 2006|11:43pm]
There is one thing that I believe we should all have the right to as long as "we" are not sucky ass-clowns that make me want to open fire on the general public. Sucky ass-clowns should not have this or any other form of satisfaction.

As I write this, I am watching Nip/Tuck reruns on FX, am a little bit drunk off free Wild Turkey that The Dad brought home, and have just had penile satisfaction courtesy of "Bookworm Bitches". Before all this had taken place I succesfully ate a bowl of chicken pasta, won a game of scrabble (without being allowed to throw down such words as "bitchin" and "nig"), ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, watched 4 episodes of "24" Season 2 free courtesy of muh Uncle CJ, ate 2 hot dogs, and watched the Braves beat the Reds and actually get John Smoltz a rightfully deserved victory.

What I am trying to elucidate here dear friends is that we all need a day of the week where we exert absolutely nothing, no contributions to society nor any shit done to better ourselves. We simply need what amounts to free satisfaction. Yours may not be in the form of baseball, stupid food, porn, or booze, but you should definitely make sure that you pay as little as possible, move as little as possible to get to it, and still reap the benefits as much as possible.

These are the days that make my life truly worth living. That and making fun of people I hate. Oh yeah, and tacos.
beautiful friend   (03)   swim to the moon

The Courtney [27 Jun 2006|11:12am]
There's one of these in almost every class.

You get to class early hoping to either catch up on the material a little, make progress in "Crime and Punishment", or just dick off until the professor gets there. Unfortunately, "Courtney" wants to have a pow-wow involving the whole class to put into action her plan to gang up on the professor for assigning too much/too little work, inadequate lectures, poor office hours, shitty tie, etc.

I call her Courtney because of my earliest encounter with this breed of annoying bitch, Courtney McCowen.

After her plan to verbally assault the professor has been put into action with a potentially decent following, she lets everyone know that she is actually ahead of the material and can get an A because she is that awesome. She's leading this charge for the good of the class and if me in the back doesn't want to participate because I want her to get syphillis and die, that's too bad.

As soon as she attempts to lay a heavy trip down, the professor will do one of two things depending on if he/she is a weak-minded fucktard: He/she will either dismiss Courtney and tell her she is shit out of luck (so to speak) or he/she will actually entertain this ridiculous barrage of nonsense.

Either way, the lecture will eventually commence and seing as how Courtney is in the front, she will force the professor to explore every avenue of material in the book, whether it is actually relevant or not. Once again, this is for the good of the class as Courtney has an A and doesn't need any of this. She is better than you. She shits gold and waxes her vagina with pure liquid magic.

After the professor has been steered away from any important thought he/she actually intended on expounding on, Courtney will announce that class is over. She is a busy person and has many things to do, and the professor can't be expected to keep track of the time.

After this is over, she will personally bring her plastic-hillary clinton-smiling self over to various desks to announce a meeting of some unimportant club that she just happens to be the president of. She knows none of these people will go, and if they did she would claim the meeting has been changed because she only deigns to talk to these people when she can implant the idea of her genuine concern for her fellow classmates and then never have to deal with those lower folks again.

After all this, she alternates between clubs she has no interest in but thinks that Yale Law or Northwestern Business schol will look favorably on, and her defeated shell of a boyfriend if she has one at all. She claims she's waiting until marriage to have sex but it's moot because she can't even seduce the most desperate of men as her pickup line involves erroneous information about the current political climate and why she's going to change the way the school does things once she gets a seat on the student senate.

Upon graduation she will do one of two things: lie, cheat, and steal her way to the top of the glass ceiling OR she will find a politically minded (but ineffectual and weak) boy to marry and ride his coattails to the top.


If you meet one of these, quietly put down and dispose of her in a timely manner.
beautiful friend   (05)   swim to the moon

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